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THE MOZART EFFECT
A recent report now says that the Mozart effect is yet another
charming urban legend. The bad news for hip
urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will not
improve his IQ or help him get into that
exclusive pre-school. He will just have to get admitted to Harvard
some other way.

Of course, we’re all better off listening to Mozart purely for the
pleasure of it. However, one must wonder whether, if playing Mozart
sonatas for little Tiffany or Jason really could boost his or her
intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during
the kiddies’ developmental time?

Liszt Effect:
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything
important.

Bruckner Effect:
Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at
length. Gains reputation for profundity.

Wagner Effect:
Child becomes a egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

Puccini Effect:
Child is prone to murderous fits of jealousy if another child plays
with his/her toys. Child also suffers never ending bout of croup and
insists it’s nothing.

Verdi Effect:
Child marches around his room repeatedly, lines up all of his stuffed
animals in a parade, pays particular homage to his stuffed elephants.

Mahler Effect:
Child continually screams – at great length and volume– that he’s dying.

Schoenberg Effect:
Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his
vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards.Eventually, people stop
listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand
him.

Ives Effect:
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate
conversations at once, in various dialects.

Glass Effect:
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and over again.

Stravinsky Effect:
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that
often lead to fighting and pandemonium in
the preschool.

Brahms Effect:
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences
contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12,
etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

Cage Effect:
Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds—exactly. A recent study
has determined that the Cage Effect is preferred by 10 out of 10
classroom teachers.